Nice Guys, Assholes and Friend Zones. OH MY!

“The difference between girlfriend and girl friend is that tiny little space they call the friend zone.”

I stumbled upon that little gem a while back, and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it. I mean, we’ve all been there. To say you’ve never been friend zoned means either you’re a liar, or an absolute God among men.  However, some of you seem to get friend zoned on a regular basis. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen posts pop up on my news feed, or overheard conversations between a man in the zone, and his buddies.

“Women only like assholes.”
“Girls don’t really want nice guys.”

Any of those sound familiar? I bet you they do. But guess what, guys. It’s a lot more simple than that.

                    “Nice Guys” Finish Last

Being a “Nice Guy” usually lands you in the friend zone. Why? Because a “nice guy” is typically a doormat. He’s nice. Too nice. “Nice Guys”:

  • Lack Confidence – This is huge, and something I’m going to elaborate on in a little bit.
  • Compliment Too Frequently – Compliments are like anything in this world. They’re powerful, when sincere and used properly. However, start throwing them around too frequently and not only do they lose their effect, but they can get a little awkward.  A lot of “nice guys” will throw random compliments in when they don’t need to be there. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you didn’t study, but you’re super smart, and gorgeous, and smell like rose petals in a vanilla bubble bath, so I think you’ll do just fine on the test”.
  • Too Willing to Help – This is something I see far too often. Look, being helpful – when she needs it – is great. However, doing her homework, loaning her money, being her chauffeur, or listening to her boy problems is NOT going to earn you a ticket to the magic show. Please, for the sake of all that is holy, DO NOT LISTEN/OFFER ADVICE on her boy problems if you aren’t prepared to enter the friend zone. That is a dark, dark path, my friend.
  • Lack Assertiveness – This is HUGE. Talk to just about any woman out there who is interested in men, and one of the biggest things you need is a pair of balls. I’m speaking figuratively, of course, but literally I’m sure those help, too.  “Nice Guys” tend to be just that. Nice. Too nice, as I mentioned before. They’re so worried that if they don’t help, or if they don’t do something the girl wants, that she’ll get mad at them. They’re worried about making a move. They’re worried about being, well, an asshole. So concerned about making waves, that they think doing “whatever makes her happy” is the way to go. You know what makes a lot of women happy? Men with a spine.

Those are the things that are usually the down fall of the “nice guy”.  Behaving like the list above usually causes you to blend in to the background. You don’t stand out. Well, if you DO stand out, it’s generally because you’re a bit weird. See: Too Nice

  •      Two Types of “Asshole” Personalities

If someone calls you an asshole, it can usually be broken down into one of two meanings. One meaning is the “You’re quite sarcastic, and have no problem saying something offensive or giving someone a hard time”. The other meaning is quite a bit different. That is the manipulative, inconsiderate, rude little douche bag. That is the guy that usually leads to those thoughts of “all men are the same”. He’s the cheater, the liar, the abuser.

Women don’t like the second type of asshole.

                   Women Want a MAN*

*Obviously, there are plenty of women who DON’T want men. This doesn’t apply to them, naturally.

Think about this for a second. Humans, as much as we’d love to separate ourselves, are still animals. Yes, we are quite a bit different, but we still have instincts and natural behaviors. We are a social species, living in groups, packs, tribes, whatever. Just like most social species, there tends to be an “Alpha Male”. This is the guy who runs the show, makes the decisions, and…gets his pick of women. Now, the alpha male doesn’t run around harassing his pack mates. He doesn’t abuse his power or need unnecessary displays of “manliness”. He does what needs to be done. If someone steps out of line, you put them back in it, and everybody gets along.

Things have definitely evolved over the thousands of years humans have been “civilized”, but the fact still remains: Women tend to be attracted to strong and assertive alpha-male types. In the cave days, these were the guys who would go out and hunt, who would defend their homes from wolves and barbaric raids. Sure, maybe he might have clubbed a few people over the head, but things are different today. Some things that separate the men from the boys?

  • Don’t Be Afraid to Say No/Put Your Foot Down – Oh, man. If you take one thing away from this entry, let it be this one. Ever hear of a “yes man”? Don’t be one of those. Women don’t need to get everything they want. Neither does ANYBODY in this world. Sometimes, people ask things of you that are selfish, inconsiderate, or simply stretch you too thin. They may have bad intentions, or they might not. If you cannot, or do not want to do something, feel free to say no. Might she be a little upset? Sure, but if it’s something small, I think she’ll get over it (The more romantically involved you are, the more small things I recommend you do, but this still stands. Do not become her errand boy or doormat.)
  • Take Charge – This applies to just about everything in life, especially women. Find her attractive? Approach her. Want to take her out? Ask her, and make it clear it’s a date. Don’t be afraid to choose the location and time. Things going well? You initiate the kiss. Take the lead! Women like a man who will take charge, and that ESPECIALLY applies to the bedroom. Hell, pin her down, pull her hair, smack her ass, put a hand on her throat, bite the girl, (Note: Some girls don’t do well with certain things, and some things are very “trust based” actions. Learn to read her reaction to things. Don’t wait for her to tell you she doesn’t like it.) Don’t be afraid to take charge. Don’t be a pussy, she’s got her own.
  • Be Respectful – This might seem contradictory, but being respectful isn’t being a “nice guy”. Look into chivalrous behavior (I’ll write about this soon). Do not insult her, her friends, or her family. If she rejects you? Take your ego ass whooping with a smile. Suck it up, move on and lick your wounds in private. Do not lash out. Do not insult her. Do not pretend like you’re automatically “too good for her anyway”. If you do, then it’s clear you’re not. There are millions of ways to “take charge” without being rude, or crossing a line. Think James Bond if you really need to.

Unfortunately for the “nice guys”, women tend to go for men who are “too” alpha male. The ones who overcompensate. The guys who start fights, who sleep around, who do these “asshole” things. Why? Because these men at least ACT confident. They take opportunities, and assert themselves. But if it came down to it, women would much rather be with a calm, respectful alpha male than an asshole any day.

         Do Not “Become” An Asshole

Here’s a little anecdote. In Elementary school, I had a few crushes. I was always the friend, though. My friends would “date” the girl I liked, and I would be too nice to her. I’d give them my cookie at lunch, I’d pick them to be on my team at recess (luckily for me, I liked athletic girls). As I got into middle school, the trend continued. I started writing poetry for them, and generally being a sweet, caring young man.  My reward? They kept dating my friends. That trend began to fade as I got into high school. The older I got, the more confident I became.  That, my friends, was my solution. Sure, I became some what of a REAL asshole for a few years, but that’s due to my own insecurities, as I’ve eluded to before. So, this advice is coming from someone who has experienced his fair share of rejection, and still does, even though I’m doing far better than my younger days.

“I’m just going to start being an asshole.”
“I’m done being a nice guy.”

Those are two common phrases I hear when a “nice guy” gets rejected . I have one piece of advice for you guys.

Don’t.

You don’t want to be an asshole, first of all. Second, when people TRY to be an asshole, it comes off extremely forced. I’m talking “Wow, look at that douche,” kind of forced. I’ve had numerous friends over the years who were nice guys. Then, they tried to break free from that shadow, only to be known as “that douchebag”. Trying to be an asshole is a recipe for disaster. You’ll get so stuck in your ways, that you will have even worse luck with women than you did before.

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4 thoughts on “Nice Guys, Assholes and Friend Zones. OH MY!

  1. Pingback: Pull Your Head Out of Your Ass: A Little Guide to Modern Chivalry | Rants of a Scorpio

  2. Pingback: Men Still Don’t Get It (Response to “10 Text Phrases That Will Leave You in the Friend Zone”) | Rants of a Scorpio

  3. Wow very well written (and said). I found myself nodding my head “yes” several points during this article. Very true.

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