Friends Don’t Let Friends Kiss Ass

Brown noser. Ass kisser. Dick Rider. Suck up. Get the picture? At one point in time, we’ve all known someone who just couldn’t keep their lips off someones figurative ass. Whether it’s at a job, in a relationship, or that weird guy who is just trying too hard to fit in. They’re annoying. I can’t see any other way to put it. Hang around someone like that long enough and you begin to wonder if there is any loop-hole in the laws against homicide.

ImageWith that being said, why do so many of you expect your friends to kiss YOUR ass?

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“Real” vs “Fake”

These words are thrown around as often as Kim K was in the world of sports and hip hop. You constantly see someone claiming they’re “real”, or that they need “real friends”. People start throwing pissy fits, bitching about how these “fake ass mother fuckers,” did this, or that.  In case you people weren’t familiar with the actual definitions of these words as they apply to this post:

Real (adj.): (of a substance or thing) not imitation or artificial; genuine

Fake (adj.): not genuine; counterfeit.

Now, when people call someone else fake, they’re usually implying that the person is two-faced or a liar. That they’ve done something to wrong this person after giving the impression that they wouldn’t or simply changing their attitude depending on the person they’re around. For example, I used to associate with a girl (we’ll call her PollyAnna, because I don’t know anyone who actually has that name) who eventually got on my nerves with her two-faced behavior. One particular night, I mentioned to Pollyanna that a social gathering I was going to would include someone I thought she was good friends with. This person also happened to be a girl. We’ll call her Pamela, because I don’t think I know any of those, either. So, after hearing that Pamela would be at this gathering, Pollyanna immediately began making faces of disgust, and said something along the lines of the fact that she didn’t give a fuck. I believe her words were “She is irrelevant to me.” However, once Pollyanna showed up, guess who she went to right off the bat. Yep, Pamela. Hugs, kisses, Pollyanna sitting in Pamela’s lap. Pictures. “Ohmygawwwwwd girl. How are youuuuuu?” That, my friends, is a prime example of fake. Fake people kiss ass.

So, if that’s fake, what’s “real”? I’ll tell you this: Whatever word you want to slap down after it, real is NOT synonymous with violent, angry, bad ass, criminal, promiscuous, rich, or anything even remotely close to that. Real in the context of human behavior? Genuine. Honest. Truthful. Straightforward. This is the person who will give their honest opinion. They will tell you the damn truth, whether you get irritated with them or appreciate the facts. They will stand firm by what they say, and not shift or waver under scrutiny. If they make a mistake, they own up to it. They don’t place blame or distract. No finger pointing.

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“Unconditional” Support Is Kissing Ass

Sorry, folks, but expecting your friend to support you in anything you do is bull shit. You wouldn’t expect a good friend to root you on while you planned a bank heist, would you? Unless you’re from Charlestown, I’d assume not. What about applying for a dead end job? Staying in a damaging relationship? Getting involved in a “get rich quick” scheme? Cheating on your girlfriend? Stealing? Getting into a bar fight? You probably said no to most, if not all of those, didn’t you. “That’s not a good friend if they want you to do that shit.

Bull. Shit.

I know for a fact that there are dozens of you who have, or would get mad at someone for challenging you on some of those very issues. Usually, people get all pissy and defensive. They start arguing, or telling their friend to fuck off. Eventually, you’ll hear a “why can’t you be a good friend and just back me up on this?” Support me, back me up, have my back, look out, whatever you want to call it, the expectation is the same. They want you to be on their side, no matter what. That’s just dumb. There is absolutely no reason that you have to support ANY ONE 100% of the time. Protect them? Sure. Make sure things don’t get out of hand? Definitely. But blindly support them? Not a chance in hell. If you’re wrong, you’re wrong.

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Suck It Up

I see too many of you bitching about friends on Facebook. Then, when someone tells you shit straight up, or says what everybody else is thinking, all of a sudden you go on the defensive. People start throwing insults, start telling them they’re not real friends. It’s a damn shit show.

I mean, that’s basically how it seems. You guys can’t handle it. I’ll throw another example out there for you. I had a buddy, let’s call him Bruce. Bruce had a girlfriend, we’ll call her Sylvia. Bruce and Sylvia had a normal relationship. Bruce started being an ass. He’d insult Sylvia, he’d hit on other girls, he’d get angry over the slightest issues. I told Bruce he was being a dumbass, and even thought he told me over and over again that he didn’t love Sylvia any more I argued with him that he was full of shit. “Even the sex is bad. I don’t feel that way about her any more. I hate being around her.” The excuses kept coming.

Then, Sylvia broke up with Bruce. All of a sudden, “Evan, you’re right. I love her. I miss her. I was a total asshole, and I should have listened to you.” No shit. Sylvia and Bruce got back together. Only this time, shit went downhill fast. Months and month passed, they broke up off and on, there was near cheating on both parts. Sylvia was a bad gf, Bruce was a bad bf, they argued in public and it got to be a real pain in the ass to even be around these two. So, I would call them out on it. One night, Bruce gave me the “Why can’t you just be happy for us? Why can’t you just support us?!” plea. My response? Because you two are horrible together! Their relationship was so beyond broken there was no fixing it. All Bruce wanted was someone to tell him he was a good guy, that his relationship was going to work. Um, no. Eventually, Bruce had become such a douche that I ended our friendship. Sylvia and him still continued to have issues. Still off and on. Still fighting, breaking up, messing around with other people, getting back together.

This shit happens all the time. People seem to think that if they start a fight, that their friends should have their backs no matter what. How about no. You start the fight, you finish it. As long as it is a fair 1vs1 fight, I say let the friend either take care of business, or learn their lesson. If they’re in a shitty relationship, their friends should somehow find a way to be happy for their miserable friend who constantly includes them in their relationship drama. No. They think that any wrong doing, any shitty actions, anything that makes you look like a shitty human being should just be ignored.

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FUCK. NO. If I see a friend fucking up, I’m going to pull that idiot aside and tell him straight up. If someone asks my opinion, I’m going to give it. If you don’t like that opinion, tough shit! If you start drama, it’s on you. If you’re getting into something that is going to cause you problems, cost you money, get you hurt or arrested, I’m going to say something. THAT is a “real friend”, in my opinion. Someone who lets you do stupid shit, who bails you out of dumb situations, who roots you on when you’re OBVIOUSLY wasting your time is not a “real friend”. They’re not a “good friend”. They’re an ass kisser. They are someone who would much rather have your company, than risk making you mad by telling you the truth. Those people are the same ones who are far more likely to hide shit from you. If they’re too afraid to tell you that you’re an idiot, what makes you think they’re going to tell you anything that might actually be serious?

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