10 Phrases That Will Leave You in the Friend Zone is something that was thrust in my face quite recently. It popped up on my timeline on Twitter, posted by MTV’s very own “Guy Code” account. I seem to be seeing a lot of these Friend Zone articles since writing one of my own [Nice Guys, Assholes and Friend Zones. OH MY!] Guy Code shared it, so it must have some sort of solid information, right? Uh, no. The very first sentence of this article?
A majority of women, for reasons I’ll never understand, like it when men act disinterested and treat them poorly.
Sounds like a whiny ass who simply doesn’t have the spine to behave like a man, so instead resorts to “acting disinterested” and “treating women poorly”. Newsflash buddy, every single word that follows this screams “I’m stuck in a high school mentality!”. The opening section of this article, or what ever the hell you want to call it, makes my fucking skin crawl. If you haven’t read the article, here are some nice little quotes from JUST the opening section (all before he even gets into the list of shit you’re not supposed to say)
- Girls might have the power to put you in the friend zone, but 100% of the time it’s because of something you said or did —and more than likely, it’s something you said.
- When chasing after chicks, it’s best to say as little as possible and that way they have no reason to treat you like a friend.
- Keep them guessing and wanting more and in no time they’ll be in your bed.
What? I can see the point of view on the words, but it’s definitely not because you were “too playful” or used one word in a text. It’s because a culmination of friendly conversations and BEHAVIORS. Also, I have a HUGE problem with the word “chasing”.
NOBODY SHOULD BE CHASING ANYBODY. YOU PURSUE. YOU ENGAGE. YOU WOO. NOBODY CHASES. THIS ISN’T KINDERGARTEN.
But hell with it, let’s get into the things this guy thinks you SHOULDN’T say.
Number 1: “Haha”
What in the entire fuck? “Haha” is something no man should say to a woman via text? “Lol” is apparently off limits too. While we’re at it, let’s kill ROFL, LMAO, and anything else that might indicate anything is funny. Humor is totally off limits. Dead pan, FO LYFE!
He goes on to say that “when you’re making a move on a girl, adding haha to the end of a text is a kiss of death.” This is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard. If you’re trying to be seductive, or charming in a sensual way, then absolutely don’t throw something funny on the end. That will completely shift the mood. But, if the two of you are engaging in a humorous conversation [BREAKING NEWS: WOMEN LIKE MEN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR], I see absolutely no problem with throwing “haha” in there. As a man, I can assure you with tremendous confidence that you can, and will be able to date, sleep with, or woo a woman even with using “haha” and “lol” in text messages.
Do: Use haha when something is actually funny, when you’re telling a joke, or otherwise being sarcastic and “fun”.
Example: “I totally didn’t see you fall on your ass lol” or “Haha that was hilarious”
Don’t: Over do it, or use it when situations are supposed to be “serious” in nature
Example: “Sorry your mom died lol” or “You looked beautiful tonight haha”
Number 2: “!”
Yes, that is an exclamation point. His explanation for this is pretty short so I’ll just post it here:
If you’re a bro who uses exclamation points when trying to woo girls, then your game is in need of a massive overhaul. As a rule of thumb, avoid any type of punctuation when texting with chicks, but definitely avoid falling into their trap and getting prematurely excited about something that may not actually happen. Even if you’re feeling confident about this one, it’s good to limit any possible risk. It’ll be a lot easier to close if she doesn’t think you’re desperate and punctuating sentences with exclamation points is the epitome of desperate.
I take back what I said earlier. Leaving “haha” out of texts isn’t the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a while. In fact, it wasn’t even the dumbest thing in that article. THIS has it beat. Let’s ignore the fact that “bro” is one of my least favorite words, and immediately conjures an image of some doucher in a pastel tank top and over sized shades. Game? Massive overhaul? First of all, what? Here I was thinking that using an exclamation point indicated excitement and emphasis. “No” seems too bland and boring, but when you say “No!” all of a sudden BAM, you’ve something going. I use exclamation points on a regular basis! Like this! Hell, I think I’ll use plenty of them! Every! Fucking! Sentence! Now, let me go massively overhaul my fucking GAME.
GAME IS ALSO A HIGH SCHOOL CONCEPT. GAME INDICATES THAT YOU PLAY, MANIPULATE, LIE, MISREPRESENT, OR OTHERWISE TELL A WOMAN SIMPLY WHAT SHE WANTS TO HEAR.
That, my friends, is the sign of a child.
But then, this wonderfully insightful individual goes on to state that you should avoid any type of punctuation when texting. Throw out all of them. Comma? Nope. Periods? Psh, women have enough of those already, why should we give them any more? Question marks? Who needs those. I mean, there is absolutely no difference between saying “Find it” and “Find it?” when a woman texts you about her missing purse. It’s not like one could start an argument or get you called an asshole. Nah.
Finally, I just found out that an exclamation point was the epitome of desperation. That’s weird. I thought lowering your standards tremendously, acting irrationally, obsessively, and more or less throwing yourself out there was the epitome of desperation when it came to dating. All this time, it was simply using one of these “!”. What a crazy idea!
Number 3: “Sorry”
This might actually be intelligent. First, if you’re texting “sorry”, you’re doing it wrong. If you screwed up, and an apology is necessary, you at LEAST call, if you can’t apologize face to face. Unlike what this genius says, apologizing isn’t “putting your tail between your legs and throwing up the white flag” nor is it “surrendering any future chance you may have to exit the friend zone“. If you have made a serious, genuine mistake then an apology takes more balls than acting like you’re too tough to do so. This guy does go on to say what I just said, so he redeems himself in some half ass sort of say.
Now, what you DON’T do is apologize frequently. Don’t apologize for ruffling her feathers. Don’t apologize for expressing your opinion. Don’t apologize for being busy. Don’t apologize if you don’t do exactly what she wants you to do. Men who apologize for tiny little things end up looking weak. I have friends who apologize constantly, and it makes me want to strangle them. Men AND women. So, this one has some truth to it, even if he is really shitty at explaining it.
Number 4: “I Really Like You”
And our moment of intelligence is short lived. We have fallen back into the facepalm zone. There is still a bit of truth behind this, but the way the guy explains it is nothing short of immature. Apparently, if you type this to a girl, you should crawl in a hole and camp out for a while. I mean, self isolation in a hole would surely improve your social skills. He goes on to use the word desperate again, and claims that using this makes women feel awkward, and that even if she does like you, she won’t tell you that via text message.
“Remember: chicks like to play hard to get and like it when guys play hard to get.”
Remember: You’re an idiot. Playing hard to get is, again, a high school concept. Raising your standards, expecting people to behave a certain way, and taking time to actually get to know someone is the way adults do it. Women don’t play hard to get, you’re just apparently not easy to want.
This part makes it seem like expressions of interests are forbidden and will immediately put up a force field between you and women. You are completely allowed to tell a girl you’re interested in her. Maybe choose a different wording, as “I really like you” might sound a little juvenile, but it’s certainly not off limits. However, you should only use this when there is obviously a mutual attraction. If you’re saying it to a grown woman when there is no sort of chemistry or anything of the sort, this could make things awkward. Then you start to run into issues. Saying it to someone you’re dating, or a woman who has expressed interest in you is by no means desperate. Plus, if the girl you’re seeing won’t tell you via text that she likes you, then you’ve really got to wonder why.
Number 5: “Thank God”
I’m going to avoid the obvious religious issues here. Let’s just throw out a few quotes, shall we?
- “…revealing any sort of personality or emotion in your text is a hard no-no.”
- “The thank god won’t get you laid any more than saying please and thank you will get you a cheaper bill when you go out to dinner.”
- “Sending it through text only hammers home the point that you’re exaggerating a story to impress her, which will reek of desperation.”
Apparently, texting is supposed to be emotionless. This man apparently thinks that women are some how attracted to boring, dry conversations. If you’re happy, don’t show her. Excited? Too bad. Angry, annoyed, entertained? No, nope and negative. Also, no personality. Girls hate personality. It’s so personal and gross. Showing your personality in a text message is TOTALLY the best way to end up in the friend zone. Who ever gave you the impression women wanted to be entertained during a text conversation? Amateurs.
Then, did he REALLY act like saying “Thank God,” in a text message was comparable to saying “please” and “thank you”? One is an expression, the other are FUCKING MANNERS! Please and thank you are a sign of respect. Saying them may not get you a cheaper meal (the server doesn’t set the prices, last I checked), but not saying them may result in less service, and people thinking you’re a rude prick. Again, “Thank God” is an expression of gratitude and relief.
To wrap it all up, there’s that damn word again. Desperation. What if she texts you, telling you that she was in a car accident. Her vehicle slid off the road, but that she was completely fine and safe. Texting “Thank God you’re okay,” is a no-no? It “reeks of desperation”? How about “Thank God it’s getting warm again. I hate the cold.” You’re right, totally sounds desperate. I mean, obviously you’re trying to make your story seem cooler to impress her. Duh.
Number 6: “Happy [Insert Holiday]”
Typically, I don’t send out Holiday wishes. I’m not much of a Holiday person, so that’s just not my style. However, if you are interested in a woman, wishing her a happy what ever isn’t going to kill your vibe. Unfortunately, most holiday wishes are sent via mass text messages, and people know it. Feel free to wish her a Merry Christmas, or Happy Thanksgiving. If you’re a party person, St. Patty’s Day definitely deserves a holiday wish. One holiday that you probably should remember, though? Her BIRTHDAY. That’s not a national holiday, but it sure is a holiday to her. Wish the girl a happy birthday! Or wish her a shitty birthday. Tell her you hope it sucks, I don’t care, as long as she realizes you’re joking.
“…not wishing the girl your pursuing a Merry Christmas is a sure-way to get her interested in you.”
Wrong. If she isn’t interested in you at the moment, she probably won’t even notice that you didn’t wish her a Merry Christmas. “Oh, that guy I don’t care about didn’t text me ‘Merry Christmas’ today. I totally want to fuck him now.” – said no woman ever. However, if she IS interested in you, she’ll notice. She might not care, she might wonder why, she might think you’re an asshole. But, luckily, this guy finally dropped a gem.
“There will be plenty time to wish her happy holidays when you’re together face to face.”
Cue the harps and angels, folks. This translates to “see her, and wish her well in person”. Finally, some good advice.
Number 7: “How’s It Going/How Are You Feeling”
Asking “how’s it going” would break one of this guy’s other rules anyway. It uses punctuation. My favorite part of this section is where he says “…so trust me when I say they don’t work.” Obviously, he’s been so full of dead on advice that this must truly be another fact. Guys, he’s wrong. Feel free to ask a girl how she’s feeling IF you know something might be off. If she was sick, in an accident, recent tragedy, or got shit faced the night before. Don’t randomly ask her (boring), and definitely try to avoid asking her if you know she just ended a serious relationship (Might get you sucked into talking about her ex. Yikes.). Now, asking “How’s it going?” is just boring. It’s small talk, and I personally hate small talk. It makes my skin crawl. I’d say avoid that one, but asking how she’s feeling can definitely “yield a much better result” when used at the right time.
This section wasn’t so bad until he made a suggestion.
“Try: is this the night we’re going to hang out naked together? It’s original, funny and to the point. Chicks like all three of those factors.”
OH MY GOD! HE USED PUNCTUATION!
Anyway, do not do that. You sound like a kid who’s never seen boobs before. It’s not really that funny, it surely isn’t original (guys have been asking women to hang out naked for thousands of years), and it MIGHT be to the point. Use that line on a girl you barely know, and you’re going to be looked at as an immature creep. Use it on a girl who DOES know you, and she’ll look at you as a moron. Figure out something much more clever, witty, smooth, and mature to say if you’re trying to get the attention of any sort of woman who has exited high school.
Number 8: “I’ll Take It As Slow As You Want”
This one isn’t bad. I don’t like his reasoning, nor do I like his alternative responses (I don’t hate them, though). “Let me know if you change your mind” has some potential, but the one about having amazing sex sounds like your standard doucher. Won’t really catch her attention. If you’re just trying to have a one night thing, or get in quickly, you’re better off stepping back. If, however, you’re willing to work for it, or even trying to date this girl, a much better response would be “I’m a patient man”, or “Some things are worth waiting for.” Letting her know that you’re still interested, and willing to stick around will go a long way in putting her at ease. No need for theatrics or mind games.
Number 9: “Any emoji or smiley faces”
Eh, this is another one of those things in which he had some potential but dropped the ball. Smiley faces and emoticons/emojis aren’t bad. They have their uses. A well timed, well placed 😉 can turn something standard into something with a little sexual flare. A simple smiley face can give her one. It’s all about how and why you’re using it. Random smileys? No. Trying too hard to be cute and sweet with the heart eyes and puppies? Yeah, probably not. However, there are some faces that are too perfect not to use.
Any one who knows me as seen me give them this look before. It’s the -_- face when I text. It’s the dead pan look when you stay something childish. I use this bad boy on a regular basis when chatting via Facebook. If I could text him, I so would. Why? Because it brings some flair to an otherwise text based conversation. It shows :gasp: PERSONALITY. Hatch is my boy (or girl, I’m really not sure.)
Number 10: “Anything Longer Than Six Words”
This would be a perfect time for Hatch to drop in. This whole section is basically “You shouldn’t need to say a lot to get a girl to like you. Using a lot of words is sad. Using no words makes her want the D.” Speaking of “D”, you know what starts with D? Dumbass. “Some friends and I are going to the bar tonight. You should join us.” That’s fourteen words. “I’ll pick you up at your place around seven.” (Nine). “I want you to greet me at the door when I get home. Naked.” (Fourteen) “I’m a genius who thinks six words is the limit.” (Ten)
Sticking to this “six words or less” bull shit will make you look like a caveman. It will basically stop any sort of natural conversation dead in its tracks. You WILL come off as boring. If a woman gives me an answer with six words or less more than once or twice in a row, I’m usually going to stop the conversation. Nobody wants to have to pull teeth to get any sort of response out of you.
Should you turn every response into a novel? Absolutely not. But using more than six words is not “trying to get her to like you” – something you shouldn’t be doing anyway. If you have to fake it, you will fail – it’s having a conversation. People do that these days, you know. One quote that made me laugh from this little bit:
“If she wants an explanation or wants to know something about you, tell her you’ll tell her later. This will make her go crazy and soon enough she’ll be over to find out more about you.”
Or, maybe she’ll just view you as avoidant (spell check it trying to tell me this isn’t a word. SUCK IT SPELL CHECK), or standoffish. Once in a while, it might catch her interest, but you’ll probably just get her to think you’re being unnecessarily difficult.
So, overall, this article was full of shit. I really hope you guys don’t take this advice, because you will continue to be sad, misguided children. Feel free to ask questions, use punctuation, laugh, smile, have some damn personality in your 7+ word long text messages! Women like that shit!