Oh, How Predictable (Valentine’s Day “Romance”)

Valentine’s Day. It rubs all sorts of people all sorts of different ways. You’ve got your hopeless romantics who think February 14th is a wonderful, truly joyous occasion. On the other end, you’ve got your anti-consumerism folks who would rush into every Hallmark store in the country with pitchforks and torches if they could. I don’t care either way, but what I DO care about is sad and lazy people have become.

Flowers. Chocolates. Teddy Bears.

That’s the recipe, fellas. You can be a suave romantic from your recliner if the urge strikes you. Just hop onto one of the countless floral sites, pick something that looks fine, groan about how much it costs, and then tell them where do deliver it. You don’t even have to talk to anybody! Woo.

I mean, hell. Being romantic is tough fucking work. There’s like, things you have to do and pay attention to. Man, how can you even keep up? Just give us one day, tell us what to get, and we’re good. Right?

Lazy asses.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve sent flowers before, even on Valentine’s day. But, I got off my ass, went to the floral shop and PICKED OUT each individual flower and asked the florist to arrange it how I wanted it, not how it looked in a picture on some website. No chocolates, no romantic dinner, no teddy bear. Hell, I didn’t even put my name on the card that was sent.


But you guys are out here just clicking away. Yawn.

Please, Schedule Your Romance

Spontaneous: performed or occurring as a result of a sudden inner impulse or inclination and without premeditation or external stimulus.

Surprise: an unexpected or astonishing event, fact, or thing.

Go ahead. Read those definitions a few times. Figure things out. Now, ask yourself this: “Is what I’m doing/have done either one of these things?” If you did what I mentioned in the section above, chances are it’s not.

Face it, Valentine’s Day is what it is. No point in insulting it or calling for a chance, because it’s not going anywhere. However, do you really need to be told to be sweet or romantic? Do you need commercials and pop up ads to know what your partner or romantic interest wants? I would hope every adult would have some idea of how to be spontaneous and how to surprise their S/O by now.

But yet, here we are. Plugging away with scheduled, planned, routine acts of affection. It’s like watching political couples on TV, just going through the motions to keep up appearances. image2Do you really think women like boring? Nope. At least not the good ones. If you like boring, you probably ARE boring, and I don’t want anything to do with you so I’m not even going to address that.

But spice things up a bit! Be unpredictable and do something surprising every now and then!

Quick! The Internet Must See!

People like being liked. They want to be wanted. The love to be loved. I mean, you could probably make a song about it. They also like to show off how wanted, loved, special they are. So, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook will – predictably – be filled with pictures and posts of “happy” couples, flowers, chocolates, teddy bears.

…I feel like I’ve read about those things somewhere before…

But sure enough, VDay turns into a giant smorgasbord of show offs. It’s almost as if women feel the need to compete with each other over whose flowers were prettier, who got theirs earlier in the day, whose chocolates tasted better. Like…omg. I don’t care about your romance any other day of the year, I REALLY am not going to be concerned enough to want to see pictures of it TODAY, either.

What’s even funnier, is when women post these pictures acting as if this is some sort of surprise. I mean, you’re seeing someone, and it’s Valentine’s Day. Nobody believes you didn’t expect flowers, chocolates, and a teddy bear.


“Quick, let me post this just in case people forgot that I’m dating someone. MUST. BE. A. PART. OF. THE. GROUUUUP.”

For Those Without A Date

valentine 300


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